Watch the full training HERE.
The truth is that setting boundaries can be complicated, until they’re not. Boundaries help our relationships, our work, our life overall. They help us stay clear and have smoother interactions.
But we have competing impulses inside that sometimes make sticking to our boundaries hard. And that can affect our self-trust.
When you don’t set boundaries well, or when you don’t honor the boundaries that you’ve set, not only do you suffer, but it actually ends up creating friction in your relationships. You get resentful, you might get overwhelmed.
Here are three steps to help you start setting, and keeping, better boundaries and building your self-trust.
1. Take time out with yourself to work out what your boundaries actually are.
Examine boundaries you’ve been taught to have by others, and work out if they’re actually true for you. Your true boundaries may be different than the ones you learned from others.
Often the way you figure out what your true boundaries are is by noticing when they feel transgressed.
Being clear about your boundaries allows you to open the door and let people in. So boundaries, as I see it, are less about drawing a hard line in the sand that others can never cross or they’re out. That’s more like a wall.
Paraphrasing a quote by Prentis Hemphill, boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and myself at the same time. Because if I’m doing things for you but abandoning myself, that’s actually not loving you and myself at the same time, that’s loving you OVER myself. And that’s never a good recipe for long term happiness in a relationship.
2. Embody the person who has those boundaries.
In this way, you have your own back. And when you’re a person who has their own back, that tends to be reflected by others back to you.
A really great way to notice where you do and don’t have your own back yet, is to notice when you tend to self-abandon, meaning, when you tend to flip flop on a boundary that you set.
Do the work to unpack:
- What has me abandon my own boundaries?
- What would it feel like to have my own back here and no longer do that?
- What do I need to shift in my actions to hold this boundary more effectively for me?
3. Be gentle with yourself.
When you notice that you abandoned a boundary, recommit to it and don’t beat yourself up.
Notice if certain situations have you do that more than others. For example, for me, it was when I’d be out at a bar with friends, and had more than two drinks over the course of a night. At some point, sometimes I would abandon my boundaries, because a part of me just would be like, “Fuck it, let’s GO!” And then I would end up doing things that didn’t feel great the next day.
Because I know that my decision making gets impaired when I get tipsy, I rarely drink a lot anymore. Why? Because I trust myself to have my own back and that’s a higher priority to me than chasing experiences.
Ultimately, it’s about self trust, having your own back, and not expecting others to do for you what you won’t do for yourself, knowing that when you fully embody a boundary, it will be reflected back to you and respected by others.
Watch the full training HERE.
The relationship you desire is possible! If you’re partnered, click HERE to discover what missing pieces are stopping you from having the connection and passion you desire.
If you’re single and/or dating, click HERE to to take an honest look at where you are now and where you need to grow in order to attract the love you want.