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Here’s the truth, it can be hard to create a healthy loving relationship with somebody else without the template of a loving relationship with yourself.
A lot of times we’re driven by feeling we’re not good enough. We have to work hard, we have to do all this stuff to deserve love instead of just being loved for who we are. There can be a tendency to fall into over-giving or withdrawal.
This kind of compensatory behavior that comes out of not fully loving ourselves just as we are leads to all kinds of destructive and self sabotaging behaviors and that ends up not serving us in our relationships.
1. Discard this belief that says you can’t have a loving relationship with another until you love yourself.
I believe that belief is a setup. I also believe there are certain things that we learn only in connection with someone else.
So there’s the work you do with yourself, and by yourself, which is important and necessary.
But eventually you have to test that work in the field.
And sometimes staying on the sidelines saying, “I’m doing my inner work,” can turn into an avoidance of relationships, because you’re afraid to actually test if the inner work you’re doing is actually creating change.
When people say they’re doing their inner work and don’t want a relationship, what I tend to hear is, “I’m going to do my inner work to perfect myself and then I can deserve to have an easy, wonderful, loving relationship in which I never get hurt or angry.”
The fact is, there’s no perfecting ourselves. Triggers will be triggers, our stuff will come up. And what we do with that is what reveals where we’re at in our relationship with ourselves.
Do we cut and run? Do we over-give? Do we go codependent? Do we allow someone to gaslight us and believe that, “Oh, I really am making this up,” when we’re actually feeling something true?”
All of these kinds of challenges arise in relationships when we’re not fully connected and on our own side. We become very easily swayed.
The common mistake I see is that people keep themselves out of relationships, because they’re working on themselves.
They’re not allowing themselves to be in the arena, and they also don’t allow themselves to be loved as they grow through their imperfections.
Because when you love yourself, you also love your imperfections, and it’s okay that you make mistakes, even with other people. In fact, that’s how we learn.
2. Self-Love can’t be bought
The marketplace would have us do all these spendy and fancy things to demonstrate self love. But it’s actually something deeper than that.
It’s being able to speak up for yourself when something isn’t the way you need it to be.
It’s being able to identify and share your wants and needs with others directly.
And simply, it’s not abandoning yourself when you’re in situations with other people that don’t feel good, going along with them, instead of choosing what feels good to you and saying no to what doesn’t.
It’s not allowing yourself to be gaslit, instead you’re staying true to what you feel and know to be true.
Those are much more real expressions of self love than anything you can buy, although buying fun things is fun, and I’m not against it!
But buying nice things and experiences is not going to necessarily give you self love.
3. Start with one small self-loving action a day
If there’s something that you’re wanting to change, something you’re wanting to bring into your life, what’s one small action that would demonstrate that you’ve got your own back?
Start doing that. Pick one action a day that demonstrates to yourself that you’ve got your own back.
This is how you build true self love, one action, one brick, at a time, until the foundation is strong.
Watch the full training HERE.
The relationship you desire is possible! If you’re partnered, click HERE to discover what missing pieces are stopping you from having the connection and passion you desire.
If you’re single and/or dating, click HERE to to take an honest look at where you are now and where you need to grow in order to attract the love you want.